The importance of reframing

How does trauma affect me? Why don’t I love myself? Why am I not happy?

As I mentioned in my last post, I am going to keep diving into the topics of conditioning and neurolinguistic programming.

Again, I want to point toward the concept of perspective and its importance in the process of overcoming unresolved trauma. There is much hidden in the narrative when you dive into it. 

All narrative begins under the roof of our caretakers. The first active element of our conditioning is family - the very first social cell we become part of. It is within our family that we learn about roles and responsibilities. We also experience attachment and develop a strategy to maintain it.

Okay… Let’s begin with the beginning: What is attachment? Attachment is exactly that: an adaptive strategy that a child develops to feel connected to their caretaker. It is a strategy that gives the child a sense of safety. There are different attachment styles depending on the relationship the parents or caretakers foster with their children.

When I began to dive into my own narrative and my own past, I realised that I had learned to survive by adapting to unhealthy attachment bonds and a lack of emotional connection with my parents - do not get me wrong. As hard as it sounds, I don’t say this with anger. I can observe from a place of empathy that my parents - as I said in the previous post as within, so without - were also victims of their own trauma and of their own unconscious narratives.

The narrative that I unconsciously kept telling myself for years was that I was not worthy of love. Simply because the first social cell I was born into couldn’t manage to convey otherwise. And this narrative kept growing with time. It grew bigger and bigger through new experiences that were still feeding that same old toxic thinking pattern. Even though some things had tremendously changed, like living in a new country and being completely independent in my life, the inner story was still the same. And it even got worse, because the story repeated itself.

I felt useless at work. I didn’t trust people could like me.

I felt invisible to myself and to others and never talked about my feelings.

I dind’t know who I was.

Do you relate so far?

Have you ever asked yourself why you always end up repeating cycles?

This could be translated into feeling stuck in unhappy relationships, feeling disrespected or invisible at work, not having a sense of an opinion, having problems setting boundaries, taking care of other adults emotionally while sabotaging your own freedom, etc.

We tend to blame others for our situation. When in truth, we are responsible for the dynamics we land into.

These cycles repeat because our brains look for familiarity. The brain will look for an exchange of information that strengthens reality as it knows it. Why? Because everything else is unknown. And the unknown can be dangerous. It feels scary. In the unknown, we don’t feel safe. And it is the brain’s job to keep us safe. So, it will look for what feels familiar because it gives it a sense of control.

Changing the narrative is a step toward healing. Reframing is looking at things from a different perspective.

When I revisited my experiences, I gained a much wider and opener perspective about the way I was raised. I realised that my parents were also born into families with trauma and collective wounds. They grew up in a different society, in a different timeline, with no resources on emotional communication and mental health. My parents loved me the way they could. My parents could love me as deeply as they could. As deeply as they had felt love themselves.

It is not that they didn’t give me the love I needed because they didn’t want to or that I was not worthy of that love. They loved me the way they had experienced love themselves.

By understanding this, I could reframe the relationship I had with my parents, which allowed me to change the way I perceived myself. The narrative that my mind had been feeding me became obsolete and I had created a space for new beliefs. Believe me… it was a powerful thing and an important step on the way.

Now, I have some questions for you to reflect on:

What narrative would you like to change?
What relationships are you willing to heal?
How is your conditioning affecting your relationship with your surroundings?

I hope this serves you.

As a coach and a trauma survivor myself, I know that every single person carries the answers to their own questions and an immense power within to create a fulfilling life. My job is to help people discover their true inner world with curiosity, empathy and trust.

The first step always begins with yourself.

During the following blog entries, I will step deeper into the topic of conditioning and neurolinguistic programming. I will also share some more insights on my own self-discovery journey that might help you along the way, so stay tuned. If you are interested, follow me on Linkedin, Instagram and Twitter.

I am happy to connect with you. And most importantly, should you feel called to work with me, please, reach out. A first free 20-minute clarity call is waiting for you. In a little time you can achieve big changes. Click here and get in touch with me.